10

My Journey to the Real World

I apologize for not writing since last month. I have been busy slacking at home and searching for employment opportunity online. I had just completed my degree last May and will be attending convocation day this coming October.

My days after Gawai are quite challenging. I was infected by a kind of virus a week after Gawai. It caused me to vomit, having diarrhea, fever, loss of appetite and also loss weight. I had been suffering for more than a week. I was not the only one, my cousins and my sister were also infected. We all had the same symptoms. I had my stool and blood tested but no microorganism was detected, so I suspect it must be a virus infection. My sister had her tests a week after that, and she got the same result.

I followed my parents to Miri on 12th June. I thought they were trying to separate me from Mikey. But their reasons were more relevant. They said they can help me to find job. They also want me to help my brother in his studies prior to UPSR. After recovered from the infection, my gastritis became worse for two weeks. I think, it is due to the loss of appetite which caused me to eat less than usual during the infection.

In early July, I saw the announcement and information about convocation day in the university website. There was a list of graduates, and I happened to look at it. I was so happy knowing most of my friends are able to make to the graduation. One main thing in my mind was: searching for Mikey's name. I kept on scrolling down and down until I reached the Plant Science part, but I could not find his name. I could feel my gut was telling me something is wrong, but I kept denying. I kept on scrolling down to the unrelated programmes, where of course his name should not be there. Then, I tried to go up the page again, and scrolled down. I did it twice more.

I texted Mikey to ask why is his name not in the list. He gave me a devastating answer. I was acting like, kayu gaharu, kayu cendana, sudah tahu masih bertanya. "That's impossible! I think they missed out my name!" I hoped what he said was true, in a denying-the-truth way. I argued with him after that, forcing him to tell the truth. No wonder all this while, I did not feel calm enough whenever I was with him. I could feel he was hiding a big thing from me, but I denied because I wanted to avoid myself from being suspicious for nothing, for I know I am highly pessimistic. He told me everything was okay and he even told me that his study was improving. He was very convincing. The truth is; he failed twice before (in his second year and third year of study) but never tell me until I accidentally found out (I can still sabar), and now he made the bigger lie. He was not only lying to me, but also to his family and friends.

My argument with Mikey lasts about a couple of weeks. He did not want to let me go. It was a very sad situation. I was dating him for 5 years already. He seemed alright, but I could not say he was perfect because I was always giving (romance, accompany him, drive him to the town, lend him money, gave him motivations). He only gave me the romance and the feeling of being appreciated, accepted and beautiful; that made me feel like I was the only girl in this world. I did not realize the second most important quality that I should have search for after loving - RESPONSIBILITY. I should have also remember that the earth is not a paradise.

It is over between me and Mikey now. It was a hard thing to be accepted by both of us. My parents were also disappointed. My Dad was considering to unite us before we knew this would happen, but now he almost cannot forgive him. My Mum who was never agree with our relationship said that a part of our family has gone. I was depressed and again, losing appetite. I kept on losing weight and feel like a zombie. I guess, my immunity was down, I had  ulcers in my mouth and on my tongue. I could not eat properly. After that, I had developed an allergy. I did not know what had triggered it. Smiling had become a difficult thing to do. I changed from Mr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde that time.

Finding my Mr. Right now seems almost impossible to me. I pray for him every night, wishing to God to lead him to the right path. I left him not because I do not want to forgive him, but I want him to change, forget the past, learn to be independent, learn how to work hard and renew his own life. Now, I want to focus on building my career. It is funny that I am actually nervous and always worried of my size. I hope people will not judge me by my look.

I am writing this not to defame him, but to share my experience. I will be writing the next part of my journey.

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